Why would a 49 year-old guy watch "Bratz"? Well, he could be a totally sick freak (I swear, I am not...though that's what freaks would say also...but I am not!!). But in my case (again, I swear) it's because I have a goal of seeing as many horrible films as possible before I die. I am not talking about run of the mill bad--those films I avoid. I am talking about really, really, REALLY bad movies. So, after seeing all 50 of the films on Harry Medved's amazing book "The 50 Worst Films of All Time", I needed a new challenge--IMDb's Bottom 100 list. While I have made a very impressive dent on this list, some films (such as the Turkish ones) are just about impossible to find with subtitles or dubbing AND they keep adding films all the time to the list (such as "Bratz" which only recently entered the list despite being released in 2007).

I should point out that technically, "Bratz" is not a bad film in the traditional sense. The cinematography, sets, costumes (the the girls wear thousands each) and music are all very professional--so I think a score of 1 is unmerited--even if it IS a vacuous film. When I say vacuous, I mean that it is written with no subtlety and is designed for incredibly stupid kids in the 10-14 age bracket. Now if you have a valueless, undemanding and rather clueless kid in this age group and you like them to be this way, then perhaps it IS a film to rent or even buy. After all, while very, very stupid, the film is squeaky clean--as the corporate types behind this mega-marketed film know this would make the film non-threatening and acceptable viewing for this age group.

So why is the writing so bad? Wow...this is like shooting fish in a barrel! The characters are all completely one-dimensional and more caricatures than something written by a professional screenwriter. The nasty girl at school is 0% real--but so are the four 'Bratz'. These girls are all PERFECT and represent carefully coiffed images--sort of like junior Spice Girls. One is great at math and science....and hot. One is great at music....and hot. One is brilliant....and hot. And the other is great at sports...and hot. This film is about their fabulous adventures in high school*.

Now I must interject something that really bothered me about this film. As I mentioned above, this is just a corporate attempt to further whore off the Bratz name. The Bratz dolls are marketed to young kids--very young kids. And, in a completely cynical attempt to be BOTH non-threatening and pretending to be inclusive, three of the Bratz are ethnic. Now I am NOT talking ethnic is a real manner. Nope. It's a CORPORATE style of ethnicity. The black girl has non-brown eyes, talks EXACTLY like any white kid and is groomed just like a white kid. The Asian kid is vaguely Asian and you only know that she is part Asian at the film's conclusion when you see her mother. And, the Hispanic kid looks 100% non-Hispanic white and speaks with no accent and throws out occasional Spanish words for no discernible reason. As for her family, like the actress they don't look or sound the least bit Hispanic (Lainie Kazan?!). When this girl and her mother sing "La Cucaracha", it is pathetic--with no accent AND they don't even know the words! But wait...they at least have a disabled kid, right?! Well, sort of. He's hot, does NOT wear a hearing aid or cochlear implant (they would be SO gross....ewww!!) and yet, inexplicably, speaks perfectly and seems to function 100% normally. In fact, to deafness, he's a lot like what Daredevil is to blindness!! I really think that the corporate-type schmucks responsible for this terrible film just think that REAL blacks, Asians, Hispanics and disabled kids are not stylish enough to be in a Bratz film.

A few final quibbles. First, how did Jon Voigt get in this film? Does he need the money THAT badly? If so, I am sure we could all take up a collection to help him avoid similar mistakes in the future. Second, I cannot believe that the film managed to insert classical music into it--making me almost hate the tunes. Third, I know I am thinking too much here, but who would let the bad girl bring a dog to school? I know her dad is supposed to be the principal, but bringing along a dog (obviously a knockoff of "Legally Blonde") just shows bad writing (duh...this IS a bad film!!). Overall, I see "Bratz" as a vapid, valueless and crappy film with no redeeming merits. And, given its place on the IMDb Bottom 100, I can tell that I'm not alone here!

*Oddly, while the characters all appear to be about high school age, I cannot imagine high school-age kids watching this one unless you drug them!

Let me be clear here first of all: I'm in my twenties, and I saw Bratz, but not for any kind of simple lewd intentions at gawking at sexy teens in gobs of make-up and slutty clothes. My intentions were a little more pure, on a movie-geek level. Or rather, I went in with the expectation that it *would* be a bad movie, and even one that would go to such ridiculous lengths as to be awesomely bad, to the level of something like Ghost Rider, where taking it seriously would provide brain damage, and by not would give some form of entertainment (especially if you have friends to make jokes with during the movie, which for something like Bratz isn't inappropriate to 'ruin' for the rest of the audience). It's a staggering, warped view of high school life, the connections made in 'cliques' and social order, and about the bonding between girls who can't get enough of talking to each other through their web-cams. It also has enough montages to kill a few horses, Jon Voight with not only a prosthetic nose but a statue of his head with the same fake nose, a fluffy dog who gets beauty treatment along with her owner, a mariachi band that lives at the house of the Hispanic girl of the Bratz (and, for some reason, this doesn't seem too out of place, especially when they show up at talent shows),and...Jesus, did I mention the montages?

But for all of this, if one is in the right frame of mind, it's hilarious, even achingly and hysterically, funny material, whether it was intentional or not. Frankly, I'm sure that the filmmakers didn't quite know what they were doing outside of making a big long commercial with the intellectual value of Tropicana fruit punch. But on those levels it almost works at times at looking like an unintentional satire; what is one to make of the symbolism of the heightened security at the high school envisioned by the school emblem and trophies: a hand holding an ax, with little figures holding the axes all over the school in one form or another? It also makes for some ample absurd moments when just seeing the four Bratz having a fight amongst themselves about sticking together or going off into their other interests (naturally, they have only one aptitude a piece, one soccer, one cheer-leading, one science, and one journalism/singing),and as well the diabolical attempts to thwart all of their fun by the nasty, less than one-note daughter of the principle, who goes for a 2nd super sweet sixteen party even after she's turned 16.

Maybe if you're already quite a young girl, seeing this movie might not matter too much in the grand scheme of things as far as real psychological impact. But at the same time if one were to look objectively, Bratz's message is a little scrambled and quite off in any positive aspect. Does one stick with friends or act individualist or, um, like, go into another clique or another table? How about staying fashionable, in the glammed up style that the girls go to lengths to do- leading up to, of course, the Bratz mobile that they walk out of to the climactic talent show- even in the face of peril? It really doesn't serve any artistic integral purpose whatsoever either. So, in the end, it works best as a so-bad-it's-still-bad-but-uproarious treat for those who gorge on works that slip by in pop culture that are so sapped with the vigor of commercialism that to read through the mixed messages would take a pot of coffee and a fine-toothed comb. But along the way, it's got montages, and songs, LOTS of songs- which are, as one might imagine who doesn't listen to Radio Disney, the worst trash possible right now. Brattitude!!

Despite my indifference towards the Bratz dolls and disliking what they stand for, and disliking just as much the 2005 CGI-animated show, seeing as there are good examples of musical, comedy and high school films so gave 'Bratz' the benefit of the doubt with an open mind. Plus Jon Voigt has shown that he can be good if the material is (i.e. 'Midnight Cowboy').

Although expectations were not high to begin with, 'Bratz' managed to not only be exactly what was expected but be worse. It gets points for some nice bright colours which stops it from being one of the all-time worst films, but that is pretty much the only very faint praise. The 2005 show, as very bad as it was, at least tried to incorporate some unoriginal but important morals and relevant relatable issues. This film also does both, but they are not just ones done to death in every kind of visual media in existence but they are delivered also with the subtlety of a sledge-hammer and in no way feel meaningful.

They are also further disadvantaged by the stereotyping, it's not just one or two aspects or characters that are stereotypical. Everything is stereotyped to the maximum, seeming like every one in existence, and in a way that make tea party saucers and very shallow water when swimming in the sea look deep in comparison. The un-subtlety is similarly applicable here as it is in the morals/issues 'Bratz' tries to show, the stereotypes are excessive in number, over-exaggerated and a few are not for the easily offended. Not in a while have more shallow and unlikeable characters graced any film by me seen by me recently, they all live up to their names as brats with personalities that never sparkle and instead make one depressed and they serve as unhealthy role models for the primary target audience.

Other than the bright colours, there is a real straight-to-video/DVD look to 'Bratz'. It strives for glitz but ends up being pure garish tack with unexceptional at best amateurish at worst filming. The songs written for the film are repetitive and irritate fast, even the worst of the songs heard in the charts today are more tolerable than the songs here. They are also sung with variable sense of pitch, lacklustre energy and nasal, and at times shouty, poorly recorded voices that are far more unpleasant than the worst singing of Disney Channel stars. The choreography is lazy and danced with awkwardness.

Calling the script stilted and shallow are insults to those words. It's truly cringe-worthy, forced and vapid, so poorly delivered and has no substance whatsoever. The story is non-existent thin and would strain to sustain even a half an hour television episode let alone a feature length film.

And now we come to the acting, have not seen acting this appalling in quite some time. Everyone either looks like they are on autopilot or are so over the top that one feels ashamed for struggling to laugh out loud. There is no discernible chemistry between them either, with the titular characters it is hard to believe that they are friends with the way they interact and believe.

Of the performances, Chelsea Staub as Meredith gives perhaps one of the worst performances ever. Similarly, once again (just when you think he couldn't get just as bad as his career-low-point, film and performance, in 'Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2'),Jon Voigt disgraces himself with an bumbling idiot role (that is actually meant to be an authority figure) overacted dreadfully, and no obviously prosthetic/false nose won't give you any dignity sadly Jon no matter how hard you try to hide behind it by looking barely recognisable.

In conclusion, lots of brat-itude but no style or substance of any kind. 2/10 Bethany Cox